I can hear very softly the mini-devil’s voice that makes me feel guilty.

Giulia Tonelli is the prima ballerina at the Zurich Opera House. Although having children as a dancer is no longer uncommon today, it remains a balancing act to combine dancing with family life. This is demonstrated by the documentary “Becoming Giulia,” which follows her life journey as she seeks and finds her way back into the elite ballet company after her first maternity leave. The native Italian often feels torn between her two great passions, ballet and her children. Sometimes she even rushes home between rehearsals to spend half an hour with her two sons. In the conversation, she explains why her choice makes her happy despite all the effort.

Mrs. Tonelli, how does a principal ballerina organize family life?

It’s a challenge. My husband and I share the tasks equally. He is an engineer and also travels a lot for his job. Nevertheless, a larger portion of the tasks remains with him. Often on Saturdays, when I have a performance, he is alone with our two sons all day. If he wants to see a performance of mine, we need a babysitter. I love my job, but also my children. Sometimes I run home between rehearsals to be able to spend half an hour with them. My mother then tells me that it’s too much and too exhausting for me. When I am at work, I should be fully there. But for me, it’s a conscious decision. You simply pay a price if you want to combine a career and motherhood.

How did you grow up? Were both parents working?

Yes. That definitely shaped me: seeing that the mother works, that she has her own interests and pursues things that she enjoys and that have nothing to do with her role as a mom. That shapes little girls because they see what is possible and it awakens ambitions. Maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today if my mother hadn’t lived that way for me. My parents were politically interested, and in the evenings they often went to events. Then a babysitter was with us, or my older brother just looked after me. What is special about my parents is the support I have always experienced. I only decided to become a professional ballet dancer at 17. Normally you make that decision much earlier, so it was clear that it would be hard for me. But my parents never doubted me and entrusted me with the confidence to pursue a path they didn’t know. Both had university degrees and no creative professions.

Is it particularly difficult to return to a physically demanding job like that of a ballerina after giving birth?

For me, it was always clear: I want to become a mother while I am still dancing professionally. As a ballerina, you know that your career will end at some point for age reasons. That’s a big change in life because you grow up with ballet, with dancing, from when you’re a child. It’s a big part of your personality from a young age. You have to process the end of your career emotionally. I couldn’t have imagined managing this identity change and growing into my new role as a mother at the same time. Therefore, I wanted to start my family beforehand. For me, it worked out very well. I knew exactly that I wanted to quickly participate in rehearsals again and be on stage. I wanted to come back and prove to everyone that I could become an even better dancer right now. It worked – with the first and also with the second child.

Do you sometimes feel torn between your two great passions, dancing and family?

Yes. After the birth of my second son, I returned to the stage early and only took a short break. I am ambitious and push myself. But the second time, I definitely felt more doubts than before. My older son is now starting kindergarten, the younger one is at home with a nanny. It’s very hard for me to entrust my child to childcare. He doesn’t go there every weekday to begin with. I want him to be able to get used to it. Leaving the little one with the nanny is also challenging for me. Sometimes I feel a strong sense of guilt when I leave them. I feel trapped between two wonderful roles: that of the mother and that of the dancer. I want to fulfill both as best I can. When I am at rehearsals, I often hear this mini-devil’s voice telling me: you should actually be with your children. I am not ashamed to openly say that I do everything I do with a sense of guilt in this phase. I know that you can have a wonderful connection with your children even if you don’t see them all day. My father also traveled a lot. Nevertheless, we always had a very good relationship. But it gnaws at me to know that I am not the “perfect mother”.

What does the “perfect mother” look like in your view?

That’s a good question. The one who bakes the best apple pie? The one who crafts the most creative things with her children? I can’t exactly say whether there is such a thing as a perfect mother at all. When I am in the park or on the playground with the children and tell other mothers that I work full time, I often receive astonished reactions. But does that make me a good or bad mother? Certainly not. I can honestly say that I miss my children when I work. Perhaps this feeling has intensified after the second child because I know. I won’t have a third child and now is the last chance to directly experience this wonderful time when they are growing up. It’s just a feeling that I always carry with me.

What would make working life easier for mothers?

It is very important that there are good childcare options. These must be affordable. Our costs for childcare and the nanny are enormous. They exceed my salary. And I think we as a society should talk about whether 16 weeks of maternity protection after birth is not too little. In Finland or Germany, you can stay with your children for over a year. I’m not saying that’s the best solution, because that seems like a long time to me. But maybe we can find a middle way. Above all, this should not only concern women. Fathers should also have opportunities to take time for their children. We as a society must consider what can be done so that parents of small children can do justice to their job. There are women who really love their job, but feel that they simply do not have the opportunity to combine it with family.

What do you wish for the future of your children?

It is very important to me to have values and to pass these on to my children. I hope that these are a basis for them to later become exactly the person they want to be. And I hope that I am a role model for them to find and practice a profession that really fulfills them and that they don’t just do for the money. Having goals that you pursue out of genuine passion and true curiosity is wonderful. And it also helps you make tough decisions.

“What does a perfect mother look like? Is it the one who bakes the best apple pie? The one who crafts the most creative things with her children? I can’t exactly say whether there is such a thing as a perfect mother at all.”