You have to fight against existing role models.

The Swiss singer Jaël Malli is a mother of two children. After the birth of her son Eliah, she initially could not imagine him having a sibling later on because he was a colicky baby, barely slept, and was always dissatisfied: a stress test for the family. His little sister Liala, who was born in August 2022, made things easier for Jaël and her husband. This is a record of an artist openly discussing how she manages to juggle family, music, and concerts.

“When I am asked how I manage to balance family and career, I first don’t know how to answer. I often am not even sure myself if I manage it so well. I am constantly looking for ways to create some space in my calendar and organize my daily routine so that I am not under constant stress. Unfortunately, it often feels like it’s too much for me currently. My body also signals this to me again and again. We have support from a caregiver, for which I am very grateful. She supports us monthly for a certain time. Finding her was not so easy. But I also admit that this was partly due to myself. As a musician, you have a different program every week. Planning reliably is a challenge. Until recently, I needed two caregivers at the same time: someone to pick up my son from childcare in Bern and someone to support me and my daughter, whom I was still breastfeeding during the day, during interviews and concerts on the road. Organizing this was very difficult depending on my husband’s schedule. So we are actually always looking for solutions that are bearable for as many of us as possible.”

Being creative as a mom? A challenge.

“I’ll be honest: the first two years with our son Eliah were simply a total state of emergency. He was a colicky baby. At night he woke up every 45 minutes and wanted to be breastfed. He only slept briefly and often only during the day if I carried him and was in motion. That pushed me to my limits – physically and emotionally. I then decided to stay home for over a year instead of three months. Anything else simply wouldn’t have worked. In the second year, I started working again – recorded a new album in the studio, released it and gave countless interviews. That took its toll. When my tour for the album was supposed to start, I was physically and mentally exhausted. I couldn’t sleep anymore and was just drained. That was at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. Suddenly Switzerland went into lockdown and I had to postpone the planned tour. In hindsight, that was a fortunate twist. The experience has shaped me. Today I pay much more attention to organizing myself so that I don’t burn out again someday.”

Children first, then new projects

“For example, this works by not starting new projects until Liala is out of the early baby years. At the moment, to be honest, only a minimum amount of work is possible. For my job as a singer and songwriter, I need space in my head. Time to be creative and write new songs. Now that Liala is a year old, I have about two and a half days a week that I spend without the kids during the day. Then I do everything that needs to be done and sometimes I have to rest a bit, especially if I had a concert the night before and got to bed late and then still breastfed Liala at night. And with two toddlers, there’s just not enough energy for more. I try to do office work when the little ones are in bed. But I often notice that after a long day, I can no longer concentrate and make mistakes.”

Maternity leave is way too short

“From my point of view, in Switzerland, maternity leave is too short. In addition, there is a lack of care options for at home. In other countries, it is taken for granted that you get care and support already in the postnatal period. In Switzerland, you have to organize this yourself – and far from always succeed. I think we should also talk openly about the ugly sides of becoming a parent: as a woman, you have pain after giving birth, are weakened, and even if you don’t have postnatal depression, you’re still completely in hormonal chaos. It’s actually unimaginable that the father goes back to work just a few days after birth. Then as a woman, you’re at home alone, with a newborn and maybe even another sibling. How are you supposed to regain your strength then? ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ is not a meaningless saying. You need this proverbial village, but hardly anyone has it around them in their own four walls.”

Deeply ingrained role distribution

“Even after birth, care work in most families still predominantly falls to women. I feel that as a modern couple, you have to fight against these deeply ingrained gender roles. In Germany, you can take up to three years of parental leave. In Denmark, parents have a joint entitlement to 48 weeks of parental leave after birth. It’s quite different in Switzerland. I am convinced that as long as these conditions do not change, no matter how hard a couple tries, they will always fall back into the trap, against their will, where the man works more than the woman after birth. That’s frustrating. How can we change something? Let’s start by honestly naming what reality looks like. It should be normal for the father to share the care work with the mother. Instead, there is always a lot of praise if a ‘Daddy Day’ is completed once a week. But the woman still has a significantly higher time commitment. A prerequisite for this is the fair payment of men and women. Women must not be paid less than men. Only then can each couple decide independently and not be influenced by financial factors. Those who opt for childcare should be able to do so at financially manageable conditions. From childcare centers, I wish for more flexibility. We have experienced that many have required at least two days of care a week as a condition. Those who want to give their child half-day care in the hands of good childcare should be allowed to do so.”

Being a mom and having a career should be possible

“I have experienced that even the most modern couples were catapulted back to the sixties after the birth of a child. She stays with the child; he works. Couples from creative professions are somewhat more resistant to this, as they are often more flexible in terms of time management and organize themselves in such a way that they can share the care work or the father even takes on the majority of it. For me, the time with my kids just goes by so fast. I am glad about the moments I can spend with them. I was always totally convinced that I would continue to work as a mom. That has changed. I definitely want to spend a lot of time with my children. I am very happy that I can afford to set my priorities so that currently my children come before work. I have been a musician for 20 years and don’t feel like I’m missing anything when I take more time for my children during the toddler years.”

Talking about change

“This classic role distribution of the breadwinner and the caregiver is still deeply rooted in our thinking. Something can only change here if we keep talking about it, live out modern gender roles, talk about it and create conditions in which these stereotypes become obsolete.”

“This classic role distribution of the breadwinner and the caregiver is still deeply rooted in our mindset. Change can only occur if we continuously talk about it, embody modern gender roles, discuss them and create conditions in which these stereotypes become obsolete.”